Parascientific Escape: Cruise in the Distant Seas (3DSware)

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This.

This THING.

This game is like Transformers: Age of Extinction, in that I hate all the characters and I want them to die.

It made my head hurt every second I had to play it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a hard game. It’s just the music and that the characters are so stupid. And they never shut the fuck up either.

Our main character, Mary Su…I mean, Hitomi Akeneno, has psychic powers, because if she didn’t, there would be absolutely no “gameplay”(slide puzzles). She RESENTS HER FATHER FOR SACRIFICING HIMSELF TO SAVE MULTIPLE OTHER PEOPLE. The “smart” character, Hitomi’s bitchy, overprotective, inexplicably psychic as well, “friend”, Chisono Shio, is only “smart” because she drops Hemingway’s name like 5 times, wears glasses, and constantly acts superior to everyone. The rich girl,¬†Merja Amabishi, is stupid and trusts everyone always. She’s supposed to be “the innocent one” The famous singer character with A DEEP MYSTERIOUS PAST (SPOILERS: SHE PUT THE BOMB ON RICH GIRL’S NECK BECAUSE RICH GIRL’S DAD OWNS A COMPANY THAT SOLD WEAPONS TO THE ARMY OF THE NATION WHERE HER LOVER DIED BECAUSE THE ARMY KILLED HIM, BUT THEN EVERYONE FORGAVE HER FOR THE BOMB THING BECAUSE THEY ARE IDIOTS). What is this? Metal Gear? Then there’s the mascot character. A furry in a rabbit costume that refers to themselves in the third-person. That’s the bad guy. Of course, it’s immediately obvious that it’s the bad guy.

The story is forgettable at best, insulting at worst. Our heroine receives an invitation to a cruise from someone she doesn’t know. So she ignores it because it seems sketchy. JUST KIDDING! SHE’S AN IDIOT! She doesn’t question this at all and immediately decides to go, because video game. She tells her obnoxious know-it-all friend, ChiaPet, about it and she acts like she cares about Hitomi and wants to go with her so she is safe, but you know all that bitch wants is a free cruise. They get on the ship, have food, one of them gets a headache because plot. She goes off and takes pills from a random stranger (always a good idea). Then our main character walks off to take a nap or whatever protagonists with no faults or humanizing qualities do. Then SUDDENLY A BOMB GOES OFF. She then wakes up in a room that isn’t hers, and has to solve arbitrary puzzles to get out of it. But she does fine, because she’s so goddamn perfect. She also finds some idiot that is fine with random people breaking into her room. This band of mentally challenged schoolgirls wanders around the ship solving puzzles with the protagonists magical telekinesis ability. There’s not really anything else interesting that happens.

Just…

Don’t buy this shit.

Please?

TL;DR

Anime-chan and Her Magical Boat Adventures: Babby’s First Point and Click, much like Five Nights at Freddy’s, is not a game. It is pure, unadulterated weeb fodder published by our friends at Circle Entertainment. Frankly, I’m disappointed in you, CIRCLE.

 

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